My dad removed sister and I from traditional school when I was fourteen, bought a cabin in the woods, secluded us from all known civilization, blocked the windows in the room out, homeschool. I got into the habit of ‘talking to myself because I (was) my own consultant’ (Lil Wayne, 2010) during very long walks in the depths of the great Kawartha wood where the song of the forest clanged against the wind and self-therapizing before sleep.
Sleep was so long, so late! I fell at 4am, awoke at 12, 1, 2.
Self-discussions followed the following format:
Me: why do I feel A?
(I’d allow my intuitive side to respond) Intuition: because B.
Me: Why does B matter to me?
Intuition: Because C.
Etc.
One night, I started this spiral, it went on through the alphabet entire. The questions stopped making sense. I can’t tell you what prompted it, nor the response, but suddenly I heard an answer that didn’t come from my own mind!
Huge presence fills the room! As though someone had been standing across the bed. A great feeling, as if a great friend had come in and answered my questions.
I assume exhaustion. I fall asleep and suppose the sensation, with rest, will fade.
Well, I thought wrong! The following morning the feeling had grown only more. I develop a paranoia that I am schizo! I tell nobody. But this sensation is so good! What a combatant to the constant loneliness of adolescence, and particularly an adolescence based on Walden.
I cannot really talk to friends nor family about this (all atheists, I grew up in a nice, progressive area, religion was thought the folly of the fool), but it just settles in the back of my mind that this is what people talk about when they talk about God.
It’s still here now, the feeling surges at random moments, morphs and coos, but never fades. As I grow older, the sensation of Nearby Friend becomes more a kidder. While it used to answer questions (and still does, bringing me calm), now, it more makes jokes. Often at my own expense. For this, I am always laughing.
How can I ever feel lonely or insecure or guilt ridden or flawed when beside me stands the greatest friend, my biggest supporter, the funniest jester, the wise, the supreme? And for this, I am always laughing. I’m always with my dawg! I think it’s the core of who I am!
Editors note: wowww do you think I don’t feel like a horses ass writing this much about myself and writing a horribly long article… wow… I do… I promise I am very quiet and ask a lot of questions in person!